Can I Still Reclaim My Innocence?
by YogaForever
Summary: Shadow whispered, glaring. “Why are you even talking to me? You’ve already stated that I’ve massacred GUN soldiers and attempted murdering hundreds of innocents. With those crimes already committed, what’s to stop me from killing you too?”


"Somewhere, far away out there, childhood sweetly sleeps."

-Hanus Hachenburg, "Terezin"

IX. 1944

**Can I Still Reclaim My Innocence? **

By

_Nana _

Shadow was walking with a slow, measured pace. The only sound his ragged breathing and his feet on the grass. He was here in the park - where it all started. Where he would contemplate the memories plaguing him. Where he would wonder if they were leftover remnants of a childhood nightmare or a fragmented memory.

His head pounded. The scent of blood and sweat stuck in his nostrils, filling him with empty hatred and confused guilt. He felt sickened. Reduced to a soldier for Black Doom. Shadow knew, ultimately, it was his decision to carry out the orders and inside himself, he wanted to cry. But Shadow the Hedgehog knew nothing of tears. He never shed them nor had he reason to.

Falling to weary knees, a hand over his throbbing forehead, he closed his eyes to the moonlit sky and wished to sleep. He thought on the lives he'd taken in order to defend himself and to defend Doom's intentions. He felt both happy for avenging the girl in those nightmarish memories and persistently guilty - like he'd betrayed that little girl constantly running -gasping- dying in his mind.

Things would be so much easier if he could just end his suffering. But, holding a gun to his temple, he knew he couldn't destroy himself. He was built to be practically immortal. Perfectly invincible.

Bullets wouldn't do it.

Barrel trembling, Shadow snarled, low in his throat.

And then there was panting. Someone's hyper-heartbeat from just behind him. Slowing. The newcomer approached Shadow cautiously. The fact that the newcomer was brave enough to near him at all gave away his identity.

"Sonic the Hedgehog." Shadow put a name to the kid behind him. There was a moment of silence, when not even the wind breathed.

Then: "Hey...Shads?" Sonic's familiar voice broke the silence.

"What do you want?" Shadow scathed. The gun was barrel-down in the grass and Shadow's head whipped over his shoulder to glare, accusatory, at the boy behind him.

"Man," Sonic shook his head. Disappointed. "What's up with you, man?" Sonic met Shadow's eyes with a chilling, uncharacteristic intensity. "Why are you doing this? Helping the Black Arms?"

Shadow could only stare, eyes burning, at Sonic.

Sonic arched one brow. And smirked. His expression was challenging.

"Excuse me. Let me rephrase that: Are you with the Black Arms?" Sonic said dryly. "I mean, after all, GUN did wrongfully accuse me for crimes a _certain someone_ committed a couple years back. I mean, it could totally happen to you too, right?"

"It's none of your concern." Shadow decided, blithely turning away.

"I beg to differ." Sonic's voice drifted back after a beat. "It is so, considering I'm rescuing people from buildings you're trying to blow up. Or, maybe it's my concern because there's about thirty dead soldiers allegedly killed by a Shadow the Hedgehog. Or, hey, it could be my concern because GUN thinks we're in cahoots. Not to mention-"

"You really could listen to yourself talk all day, couldn't you?" Shadow finally snapped. The weight Sonic added to his burden was too stressful. He growled, fed up with Sonic's presence and spat, his voice like acid: "What do you want?"

"I just wanted to know." Sonic's voice was nonchalant as a shrug. Wind blew over again, through the leaves of the tree branches far above their heads. Sonic's voice had quieted when he next spoke, sounding almost truly concerned, "I just wanted to know who I should believe, Shads. And - I guess - I wanted to know if you were okay? I mean - how do I put this? I don't know. Is there something wrong? Can I help?"

Shadow just listened, watching the swaying grass, clenching and unclenching his fingers around the gun. And he thought about the snapping sound the neck of a soldier made when he twisted so hard. He thought of the blood that had been on his hands before washing them in the river. He thought of himself. A murderer. Began to wonder if maybe he was no different than those awful men who'd killed that Maria. Sonic's offers went unanswered, and Shadow thought on these things.

What brought him back to reality was a sigh. Sonic. Shadow looked over his shoulder from where he sat on his knees and saw that Sonic had turned away. Was pacing. Unsure.

"Hedge - Sonic?" Shadow called.

Sonic's ears perked and he turned on his heel to face Shadow again. "Yeah?"

"Do you...Can you -?" Shadow shook the uncertainty away. He remembered some sort of battle where Sonic and he had been comrades. Fighting against something. They were surrounded by stars and something was falling -falling so fast- about to careen with the planet he sat on now. "Can you remember my past? Were you there? For any of it?" Shadow fell quiet but continued: "I feel as though I've known you longer than what I can reliably recall."

Slowly, Shadow stood and turned to meet Sonic's eyes. "Do you remember what I was like?" He said. "Before I lost my memory?"

"A pain in the ass." Sonic retorted, smiling deviously. There was something childlike about his eyes, like despite all the wars and carnage he'd lived though, Sonic was still innocent. Shadow thought of that Maria again. "But, that hasn't changed." Sonic chuckled over his own wit.

Ignoring his jibes, Shadow asked, "Who was Maria?"

Sonic rolled his eyes, seeming to detest her by name alone. "Your girlfriend, I'd assume."

"Assume?"

"Wellll," Sonic drawled. Shadow examined Sonic closely. Sonic was scuffed and scraped. Dark circles decorated him. When was the last time he slept? Ate? Had he been fighting the Black Arms for days straight without rest? And why wasn't Sonic trying to kill him now - wasn't that what the government that Sonic worked for was trying to do? Maybe Sonic was trying to lure him into a false sense of security. Shadow fell into suspicious paranoia. Who could he trust? Was Sonic a friend?

No. Sonic worked for GUN.

GUN was the enemy. Anyone with GUN was responsible for Maria's death.

Shadow plotted. Once Sonic admitted to working for GUN and attempted to incapacitate him, he would lunge at him. How easily Sonic would fall. How easily his small neck would crack and break and bleed under his hands. He wouldn't breathe. And Shadow would see the fear behind his arrogant eyes. And Sonic would know he chose the wrong side. And-

"You were very dedicated to her." Shadow blinked rapidly- like someone who was just stirred from a dream. Sonic wasn't attacking. He was just talking. Silently, Shadow reprimanded himself.

"Dedicated?" Shadow repeated, diverting his shameful eyes. He felt like curling up and laying down. But instead he listened and Sonic went on.

"Yeah." Said Sonic, enthusiastically. "You thought she wanted vengeance for being ki-ki, um, for dying. But I think you just thought that because you were hurt, you know? Amy said something about you remembering that Maria had actually wanted you to save -this sounds dramatic- she wanted you to save humanity."

"Shadow, please," Shadow could hear her voice, as if whispered into his ears. He never remembered this part before. But he could vividly recall her lying on the floor, bleeding and smiling. Reaching a hand toward Shadow. "Bring hope to humanity. Be their friend, Shadow."

"You know what, Shads? I think all she really wanted was for you to have a chance-"

"_Give them a chance, Shadow. A chance-"_

"-A chance to be happy."

Shadow jolted. Blinking again. He felt so distant from where he stood, memory flashing like pictures in his mind. But he was here. In the park. In front of Sonic. "Sonic," he met the boy's eyes, speaking breathlessly. "I remember that Maria was shot. She died aboard the space colony. A space colony called - called - ARK. She-Maria was there because. Because she was sick. And, this man, Gerald was trying to find a cure for her. I was supposed to help find that cure. They tested things on me to find a cure. And Maria? All she wanted was their happiness. For everyone, I think. And I think..."

Sonic stared at Shadow curiously.

"Yeah?" Sonic coaxed, his eyebrow arching up again. Thinking how strange it was to see Shadow so excited. He was beginning to smile. Was Shadow happy because he finally remembered?

But Shadow shook his head, the smile plummeting from his face and crashing at his feet so all he was left with was a broken mouth that only frowned these days and a useless .45. "I don't know." Shadow admitted. He took a deep breath.

"Don't know - what?" Sonic tried, weirdness creeping up at him from Shadow's behavior. Shadow never went on like this. Never looked this unsure.

"I don't know!" Shadow snapped. He turned away, his shoulders tight. He wheeled back around at Sonic, furious. "I don't know anything!"

"Whoawhoawhoa!" Sonic waved his hands up. _I mean no harm. _"Take a chill pill, Shads. It'll _all_ be okay." He felt like he was soothing a homicidal maniac.

"No. It won't!" Shadow argued. His normal cool composure far gone. "Because everyone's been pulling my strings, hedgehog - don't you get it? Everyone! They're like sick, twisted puppet-masters. They all pull me in different directions -at their own discretion- and nothing adds up! Not at all. Nothing makes any _fucking_ sense!

"Black Doom tells me I'm his slave - that I'm superior to everything that breathes and should take my birthright as his goddam errand-boy!" Shadow screamed, revealing just how exhausted he was of Doom. "And who is this Maria? I obviously knew her - was even attached to her - according to you. Who was she? Who was she really? Why would she want to help all of these arrogant, helpless humans? Can you tell me that, hedgehog?"

Images. Moments. Memories. One after the other they hit Shadow and left him breathless and utterly confused. "And I don't know who Gerald is- Why did he -would he- create me? To really help Maria? Or am I a weapon, like Doom says?"

"Professor Gerald was a really nice old man." Sonic repeated what he thought he knew from Shadow. Shadow spoke of him so fondly before he lost his memory.

"If he was kind," Shadow closed the distance between himself and Sonic. He glared and spoke ferociously. "Why did he create me? Why did he make me so capable of destruction? An immortal weapon?"

"Hey, Shads..." Sonic said weakly, uncomfortable with how close they were. He tried lifting his hand, but stopped. Was there double meaning in his words? _Why did he create me?_ Did Shadow regret being created - born?

"And you," Shadow whispered, glaring. "Why are you even talking to me? You've already stated that I've massacred GUN soldiers and attempted murdering hundreds of innocents. With those crimes already committed, what's to stop me from killing you too? I'm sure you're smart enough to know that GUN is in the way of the Black Arms - their deaths are necessary. As the 'Hero of Justice' - wouldn't you also be a most valuable death?"

"But you wouldn't kill me." Sonic croaked. He searched Shadow's eyes for any sign of the calm, sane person he knew.

"Oh?" Shadow laughed ruefully. He stepped forward. Sonic stepped back. Shadow kept walking until Sonic's back was against a tree. The whole time they traveled, Shadow said: "And why wouldn't I, hedgehog? What does your life mean to me besides an obstacle?"

Sonic pressed his hands to the thick bark of the tree and pressed himself against it. Wind ruffled the leaves above him and he noticed how quiet -how still- the park was. No one would hear him scream...

"Because," Sonic finally found his voice, "I-I'm your friend."

"Are you?" Shadow laughed again, this time bitter and amused at once.

Sonic nodded shortly. He gave Shadow a defiant stare. "Yeah - no duh. Why do you think I'm here?"

"GUN sent you."

"I consider myself a free agent." Sonic tilted his chin so he looked down his nose at Shadow.

Shadow eyed the hedgehog he had pinned. It would be easy. One Chaos Spear through the neck. He wouldn't even have to use his hands. But instead, he stepped back. "Then why do you work alongside them? The Black Arms are most likely to win this war. You could have power and safety if you joined-"

"-The Dark Side." Sonic finished, rolling his eyes. "I've heard this speech, Shads. God. I just never thought you'd be the one giving it." With that, he pushed off the tree and walked up to Shadow. Surprised by his defiance, Shadow stepped back. Sonic leaned into Shadow and Shadow stepped back again.

"Shadow," said Sonic. "I work with GUN because, even though they're priorities are screwy a lot of the time, they mean well. They only want to protect innocent lives. I work alongside them, I guess, because it's the right thing to do."

Sonic had walked Shadow back to where the ultimate life-form had started. His shoe clicked against the pistol. Sonic stared into his eyes, challenging Shadow to tell him he was wrong.

"Are you going to do the right thing, Shadow?" Sonic asked. And there was something childlike in Sonic's eyes. Like despite the wars and the carnage that he'd lived through, he was still innocent. He still had the innocence of childhood glowing in his grown-up-too-fast eyes. He still believed in the Right Thing and the Wrong Thing and he didn't have a soul's blood on his hands.

Shadow blinked, and crouched down, not taking his eyes away from Sonic's. He picked up the pistol. He kept the safety on but held it to Sonic's chest. "I don't know." He finally said. One shot through the heart - Sonic would never survive it at this proximity.

"Like everything else?" Said Sonic, sarcastic. He put his hand on the barrel of the gun and pushed Shadow's arm to his side. His eyebrows came together, tired. He sighed. "Come on, Shads," he said. "You're better than this."

"Am I?" Shadow replied, fingers trembling on the gun. He thought about taking the safety off. About putting the gun to his temple. But he was built to withstand everything. Ultimate. Invincible.

Bullets couldn't do it.

"Yes." Sonic said, quietly. His eyes darted toward the gun and Shadow realized his hand was shaking much harder than he'd thought it was. Sonic put his hand over Shadow's and squeezed. The trembling stopped. "So, start acting like it."

And Sonic stepped back.

Shadow remembered that he used to be a little like Sonic. Even though he was a living weapon and even though he never cured Maria, he remembered vaguely being a little like Sonic. That innocence.

He wasn't innocent anymore.

Could he be?

Sonic stared him down. Shadow returned the look blankly.

No, Shadow decided. He would never be innocent again.

Sonic sighed, disappointed. Would Sonic report his whereabouts to GUN? The gun. The gun in his hand. He was already never going to be innocent. So what if he took this innocent boy's life? So what? Shadow's hand twitched. One shot. One shot was all it would take. All it would take was one-

Sonic was gone. Run off. Gone in a blue flash of light like captured lightning released.

Shadow fell to his knees. He took the safety off the gun and thought about the fear and the hatred and the sensation of dying in the eyes of every soldier just before he killed them. Some by hand - some with bullets. Bullets. They wouldn't be enough.

He sniffed, and pursed his lips. He closed his eyes even though he couldn't sleep. He would never wake up beside Maria. He would never care about her the same way again. He would never be like her, like Sonic, again. He couldn't reclaim lost innocence.

He put the barrel of the gun to his head even though he couldn't die.

He held his breath.

And pulled the trigger.


End file.
